Misfit

I spend the day in my busy routine. I come back to the room and start to become plagued with eery thoughts...a trip to negative town. My social life has regressed back to puberty, where you're too old for the kids section but not old enough for the adult section. The student callers here are young while the staff is too old. Who am I to out for drinks with?  I'm their employer, and signing on to Gmail, someone accidentally left theirs logged in, I was reaffirmed of the notion that I'm not one of them when I 'stumbled' upon a Gchat conversation. 

I'm an outcast. 

I'm also an outcast in the sense that these people are flat-out boring. They have no class. No character. No culture. They're simpletons. Good Christian folk. And imagine me in Christian town, I swear like a sailor (or a pirate rather) and I'd like to think I'm hip. This weekend I might go to a bar, but going to a bar alone in itself is both depressing and weird. Ugh, I miss the people that I could be me with, the people that I could be a part of, the people that are a part of me, the people that essentially are me and I, them. 

But at the same time, another negative yet liberating thought comes to mind. I dont owe anyone anything. That at any point at any time, I could walk away from the table. I could start a new. It's a foolish thought indeed. Two months ago, I would have kicked myself in the nuts for even thinking such a horrid thought but it gives me comfort in knowing that at least I'm not contractually bound, at least I'm not a slave. Merely a servant. A servant to corporate America.