It's been a while

I had thought that I had broken out of the impenetrable fortitude of my troubled mind. I've been held captive again. After I quit school, there was a feeling of liberation, that I was free to do anything, it was just a question of what anything was. 'What do you want to do?' 'What do you really want?' 'What are you good at?' Questions that I do not have an answer for. It's frustrating not having the answers to such questions. The path as it lies ahead is working for the U.S. Census for 8 weeks and then I'm standing on the plate again for a third swing. This time, the stadium is Brooklyn College. I have to wake up early tomorrow to inquire about summer session classes. Despite having a game plan of sorts, I'm still feeling helpless once again. Meaningless. Unhappy. Am I just one of those miserable fucks that is going to remain unhappy? I thought about turning to religion, where millions have sought comfort, but alas, that did not work. Recently, I had also had some restored faith in a kind of love but I was being a fool. I forgot that love like religion, makes you blind. Logic, reason and rationality took leave of my senses. It actually is true, if you don't use it, you lose it. I'm growing weary of the friends that I have. It's not their fault. They're doing nothing wrong. It's me. I'm agitated and any little bit of discordance awakes a fury within me. I'm going to drive them away as. Until I'm left, all alone. I should seek comfort in knowing that the only people that I can count on are my family. But how long can they withstand my naive arrogance? How long before they see me with disdain? They wont show it or say it, but sooner or later, they might grow weary of me as well. 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then why dont you do something about it? You're as miserable as you choose to be. And all that jazz. I know. I've heard it all. But somehow I cant help breaking free of this shell. I wish I could give a shit.